What would I say; if I could say anything?

Have you ever wondered about that?  Twice in the past month someone has suggested that I journal my side of a conversation.  In each instance it was someone who had either hurt my feelings or was behaving in ways I would rather not be around and yet, pretty much had to be around. More often than not I bite my tongue in those situations; just to keep the peace.   And I still think it is odd that the peace isn’t really kept.  Not just internal chaos, external as well.  I wish I could say I’ve given up trying to figure it out.  “Some day” I will.  Or not!

With the freedom granted by a private journal it is possible to work out or through some of the toughest stuff.  How often do you get to say ANYTHING you desire, without repercussion?  Not often, unless you are blessed with very compassionate friends and family, or, you are one of those congenitally happy people who never thinks an unkind thought.  I know and am related to a lot of really cool, smart, caring, compassionate people.  And yes, I know plenty of others who aren’t any of those things, don’t appear to be anyway.  It just seems smarter sometimes to keep my big mouth shut.  Once in awhile I will blurt things out and often come to regret it.  So, the question often arises: What would I say, if I could say anything?

The results of journaling are often interesting.  Start with a pretty specific topic and just let thoughts and ideas flow through your fingers.  Stream of consciousness can be a pretty wild ride!  I am often amazed at how little cussing shows up when journaling.  Usually much more at the beginning than at the end.  And my typing skills seem to improve too!  How weird is that?

I say things in a journal I wouldn’t say out loud if you held a gun to my head.  The biggest benefit is, once it’s out of my head I no longer feel compelled to say it out loud, or, even think it.  A mental garbage dump.  No more cluttered thoughts and the feelings barometor goes from storm warnings to fair and holding.  And the peace I seek has a chance to reign, at last.  Cheaper than Paxil and only beneficial side affects.  Started to say no downside.  Pretty much true, with password protection, or a good hiding place when using low tech paper and pen journal.  I am fortunate to live with and around people who value privacy as much as I do, so, that isn’t really a current issue.

So,my answer to the opening question is, in my journal, I do say anything and everything that comes to mind.  In live conversation I’m most likely to edit, a lot; unless I’ve already journalled the topic.


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