Gathering courage

This whole blogging adventure started because I found a program on my handy little Netbook that was designed specifically for that purpose.  I had heard of it, probably from its’ early stages and pretty much dismissed it as having no redeeming value.  Until I watched Julie and Julia my opinion remained pretty much unchanged.  Something in that movie flipped a switch in my brain and nothing has been the same since, having the program pre-installed seemed like Kismet.

My approach to blogging is very similar to my approach to swimming….s  l  o  w  and exceedingly cautious.  The difference is I can go years at a time without swimming and never miss it; it’s not the same with writing.  Since I first started this I have been aware of the subtle and insistent whisper; “write something”.  And private journaling hasn’t been the answer.  The potential contained in blogging is the possibility of interaction with other human beings.  Someone might read what I’ve written and have a thought, feeling or belief and express it!  Hence the slow and cautious approach.  What I dread most about swimming is total immersion in cold water; anything below 98.6 is cold to me.  I have actually just dived in a time or two and yet the success of those experiments was not enough to convince me that every other time would be the same.  What I dread about interacting with other human beings is a similar kind of immersion.

One of my favorite expressions is; opinions are like as______, everybody has one.  And whether my opinion on any given topic was formed slowly over time and resulted from intense research, or, came suddenly to me in the aftermath of an experience, I hold them , defend them, resist changing them with every fiber of my being.  I might be using the word opinion interchangeably with beliefs here.  Time and a few more thoughts might clarify.

I rarely, if ever, wear my heart on my sleeve.  It has taken some time to internalize that vulnerability is a constant state and even though some behaviors seem to be protective that is only an illusion.  What I’ve been noticing lately is that wise people take risks on a daily, even hourly basis.  Not jumping out of airplanes, cliff diving type risks.  They risk revealing themselves, warts and all to the people around them.  Quite frankly, I’d rather jump out of a plane. 

People who know me know there are several life endeavors my heart beats for.  I would be hard pressed to list them in any fixed order of priority.  They can’t all be number one and yet, some days , well, I just don’t know.  Here are some of them, just to give you an idea.

  • Two grown children
  • six grandchildren
  • six brothers and one sister
  • Dad
  • twelve step recovery
  • essential oils
  • physical healing, alternative medicine, organic food

Overcoming spiritual bankruptcy, however slow the process seems at times, surely has to be number one, even if just as a program running in the background.  I can say, with a high degree of certainty, I couldn’t be doing this if I hadn’t embraced that almost twenty years ago.  Life expands and contracts for me in direct correlation to my willingness to use the principles I learn (or at least hear) in the rooms. Being stubborn and rebellious by nature my learning curve sometimes looks more like a straight line.

I tend to listen more than speak about God, Higher Power, Creator…….call it what you will.  Not because I’m embarrassed.   Quite bluntly and frankly I detest proselytizing.  If you believe in God, Jesus Christ, Buddha, whoever, don’t tell me……show me!  Talk is cheap!  And with that belief, I attempt to live my life.

The truth is, most of the time what I engage in is survival.  And I don’t knock it, too much, because I have experienced real moments of life and have faith that more will follow.  Being a turtle has allowed me to continue living through times and experiences I tend to think I might not have survived, intact.  Altered states, while temporarily viable at times, are not something I welcome as an ongoing condition.  I define altered states as drunkenness, pharmaceutical cures, insanity… you know, fun stuff.  I much prefer the inside out approach of attitude adjustment that occurs when I apply the principles and tools derived from the twelve steps.  Never ceases to amaze me how well they work.  Always amazes me to find I’ve been resistant AGAIN.   

If I did the math correctly, there are seventeen people alluded to on the list above.  The most important people in my heart, but not the only ones.  I left out spouses of children and siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, dear friends and lots of acquaintances.  So many people.  I love them to pieces and am particularly inept at demonstrating it more often than not.  Some of it is my responsibility to change and some of it isn’t.  I find myself wishing for some kind of instant, permanent fix, all the time knowing, it just ain’t gonna happen!  It’s not even possible.  We change, all the time.   Ideally we are learning and growing.  Sometimes the learning process is exceedingly messy and growth can only be measured like the movement of glaciers.  If patience could be packaged and sold it could be a booming business.  It seems I run out of it at the worst times, more often than not, with myself.  What tends to get my attention first, however, is when I run out of patience with people, places and things outside myself.  I’m not sure of the complete truth of that last sentence, but, for now, let it rest. 

The last three entries on the list intertwine, might even be considered elements of one topic.  However you perceive it, my interest and pursuit of information in this vein grows as time passes.  The more I learn, the more I seek to learn.  Before I started writing this the “self help” nature of it totally eluded me.  It’s always been there, I just haven’t acknowledged it.  Mostly because the discoveries and experiments have seemed more of an adventure than anything else.  When I come across a new to me idea I just have to try it out.  Since I discovered Essential Oils about five years ago I’ve been something of a mad scientist.  They are SO cool.  I “play” with them on a fairly regular basis.  My collection, while nowhere near complete is extensive.  I use them in so many different ways, for so many different things I wonder how I ever functioned without them.  Mostly I limit my sharing on e.o. and related topics to  people I KNOW to be like minded.  I really don’t like proselytizing on any subject.  And there are a growing number of people who are like minded these days.  Kind of reinforces the whole idea that we are rarely alone, really.  If anything, singularity is a matter of degree and/or comfort zone.  The larger your comfort zone, the less singular you are likely to feel.  I believe if we are unique in any way it is in the combination of beliefs, experiences and all the various and sundry other things, which, when added together become one human being. 

Just found out it took me over 1200 words to spit all that out. It has taken me these many months to weigh and balance the decision to write something close to my heart and post it to my space.  Something tells me it’s a risk worth taking.   Might have to rethink the title, or, not.  Here goes!

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mkmercurio
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 19:52:07

    I totally understand about opening up and sharing too much. I have so much to say and am so hesitant to share the ‘details’ and we all know, the story is truly in the details.

    Thanks for the 1200! I loved each and every one of them…

    Reply

  2. noreenheath333
    Sep 30, 2011 @ 09:34:35

    Thanks Marge. Do you ever find yourself wondering what you were worried about, after you’ve done something you were afraid to do?

    Reply

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      Oct 10, 2011 @ 20:48:42

      Thank you. The most honest answer I can give to your question is, I don’t know. I started using Zemanta the other day, but I don’t think it would impact earlier posts. Best guess is it has something to do with either “categories” or “tags”. I’m still very new at this. Good luck with your blog. You didn’t mention the name of it and I would be interested in checking it out.

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