There is intentionally no space between words above. I have not gone back to school….probably wouldn’t take a math class anyway.

The title refers to the processing that has gone on since my last post. What i finally realized, once the detritous was dumped, was that it was a convenient cover for old time behavior.  I don’t want to look at, be aware of or accept powerlessness in my current situation.

I lost my biggest client around Christmas time.  Since then i have attempted putting out flyers and business cards, talking to people, joining and following up with an online service that helps find my kind of work….so far…NADA…as in not a thing!

I still have a few jobs and i suit up and show up for them. However…i’m in this apartment now and i’d really love to stay here….being self supporting through my own contributions is paramount.  I got the okay before i moved in to have a roommate…so, i signed up with another online service to find a roommate.  Thought i had one, for about three days…until he informed me he was moving to Delaware.   Just put it together….he was going to move in Saturday….had the melt down Sunday.   Doing all the right things….unpredictable results….powerless

The weather hasn’t been much help.  Reminds me of a winter in Sacramento. El Niño was keeping things very wet at the time.  We didn’t see sunshine for more than thirty consecutive days. It was almost biblical….forty days and forty nights….i digress.

Keeping my spirits up, continuing to put one foot in front of the other happens in fits and starts.  Some days i can convince myself that god, life, the universe is not limited by my imagination.  Most of the time i remember that things have a feast or famine style curve to them…i just happen to be on the famine side….at the moment.  My sunny disposition is not entirely dependent on actual sunshine, although sunshine helps.

There is SO much i am grateful to have, experience and share.  In the material realm i have enough and more of the necessities, food, clothing, shelter,heat,light,water. I have friends and family, people i value beyond price.  There would be no life without them.  And i have a program that comes with a well stocked tool box that helps me even when i can’t see the people and start feeling isolated, hopeless, helpless.  Those thoughts and feelings don’t run the show for me anymore.   Thank god…God.  I generally don’t give much thought as to whether or not i use capital letters.  Life. God. Love. The universe….spell them how you will….the power is the same….i’m good with that.

I think that about covers it….still won’t be playing any games made by King…just don’t have to kid myself about the meltdown anymore.


Is it Winter, already?



Autumn colors

Image via Wikipedia

I’m sitting here in sweats and wrapped in blankets wondering what happened to autumn.  Is it winter, already?  We might get snow tomorrow.  We haven’t even had Halloween yet!  Who do I see about a refund?  I thought this season included a brief intermediate between the hot and the cold.  I’m pretty sure that’s what I asked for.

The older I get, the more I appreciate spring and fall.  Even though it’s the worst time of year for allergens.  It’s such a nice interlude.  A reasonable amount of clothing; perhaps a sweater.  Is that too much to ask for a quick three months?  Cause autumn always does seem to be over before it really gets started. Have you noticed that?  I think it’s all the kids praying for Christmas to get here.  Just a thought.

I like summer well enough, except in humid places.  Humidity makes life a living hell.  And I’m not backing down from that.  The only thing worse than hot and humid is cold and humid!  Must be why I enjoyed living in desert climate so  much.  It didn’t seem to matter what the temperature was, I could dress for it.  Enough clothes to satisfy modesty concerns in the summer and mobility concerns in the winter.  That is not how things work in a more humid climate!  Buck naked is too much clothing when the humidity rises in summer.  And quite frankly, they just don’t make anything warm enough for when the temperature drops and the humidity rises.  Once I’m dressed like the Michelin man all thought of productive functioning are put on hold.  How much can a person who cannot bend her arms even to scratch her nose, realistically, be expected to do?  Ever heard the saying,”expectations are planned resentments”?  It applies here. 

I just thought of my explanation!  Summer heat = vapor lock.   Winter cold= frozen fuel lines!  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket!

In springtime, when nature is refurbishing, the temperature usually feels just right and the scenery is pure joy.  The pollen can be obnoxious, but, the absence of it is unthinkable.  I’m finding that’s what essential oils are for, easing physical discomfort, so the beauty of spring can progress as it will, as it must.  The resurging of life is so worth some discomfort.  There’s an allegory or a metaphor in there somewhere.  When I thaw out, I’ll let you know if I remember what it was.

In autumn, when nature is closing up shop for a well earned rest, the temperature usually feels right and the scenery is pure joy.  The colors are rich and bold.  It’s like a last hurrah.  I know there’s actually color all year long and spring has it’s own splendor.  There’s just something about autumn colors!   Must be the reds and the golds  sprinkled in amongst the greens. 

Summer has it’s moments, I won’t deny it.  The only thing that saves winter from being a total bust as a season is fires in a fireplace!   Okay, the pristine first snow and icicle lace on the trees is spectacular.  Too bad it can’t happen and still be a reasonable temperature!

Cool!  Here I was thinking there wouldn’t be a post today cause I’m too cold to think.  Still wondering; is it winter, already?