There is intentionally no space between words above. I have not gone back to school….probably wouldn’t take a math class anyway.

The title refers to the processing that has gone on since my last post. What i finally realized, once the detritous was dumped, was that it was a convenient cover for old time behavior.  I don’t want to look at, be aware of or accept powerlessness in my current situation.

I lost my biggest client around Christmas time.  Since then i have attempted putting out flyers and business cards, talking to people, joining and following up with an online service that helps find my kind of work….so far…NADA…as in not a thing!

I still have a few jobs and i suit up and show up for them. However…i’m in this apartment now and i’d really love to stay here….being self supporting through my own contributions is paramount.  I got the okay before i moved in to have a roommate…so, i signed up with another online service to find a roommate.  Thought i had one, for about three days…until he informed me he was moving to Delaware.   Just put it together….he was going to move in Saturday….had the melt down Sunday.   Doing all the right things….unpredictable results….powerless

The weather hasn’t been much help.  Reminds me of a winter in Sacramento. El Niño was keeping things very wet at the time.  We didn’t see sunshine for more than thirty consecutive days. It was almost biblical….forty days and forty nights….i digress.

Keeping my spirits up, continuing to put one foot in front of the other happens in fits and starts.  Some days i can convince myself that god, life, the universe is not limited by my imagination.  Most of the time i remember that things have a feast or famine style curve to them…i just happen to be on the famine side….at the moment.  My sunny disposition is not entirely dependent on actual sunshine, although sunshine helps.

There is SO much i am grateful to have, experience and share.  In the material realm i have enough and more of the necessities, food, clothing, shelter,heat,light,water. I have friends and family, people i value beyond price.  There would be no life without them.  And i have a program that comes with a well stocked tool box that helps me even when i can’t see the people and start feeling isolated, hopeless, helpless.  Those thoughts and feelings don’t run the show for me anymore.   Thank god…God.  I generally don’t give much thought as to whether or not i use capital letters.  Life. God. Love. The universe….spell them how you will….the power is the same….i’m good with that.

I think that about covers it….still won’t be playing any games made by King…just don’t have to kid myself about the meltdown anymore.